AGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Is he EVER gonna talk! That seems to be all I hear myself saying. He whines til he gets his way most of the time. It's been driving me crazy but tonight I let it all go! We were on our way home from Florida and I was all but begging my 16 month old to say one word, ANY WORD, and he was boo-hooing. Finally I gave in, put his paci in his mouth and he grabbed my arms and put em around his neck and patted my shoulder.

I can't push him. He will do it when he is ready. He loves me and I love him and that is all.that.matters.

FAR TOO OFTEN I LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT TRULY MATTERS!

I miss Simon so much... so much that my hair is literally falling out due to all the stress that comes along with being the only parent our babies have for 6 months. Simon is missing so much and it breaks my heart. Karlynn is rolling over, she smiles ALL THE TIME, she coo's and laughs and it melts my heart. She will be a totally different person when he gets home. I dream of the day we get to run up to him as he steps off the bus at the squadron. OMG- I get teary eyed just dreaming about it now. My baby boy will finally have his daddy back.. (which by the way is the ONLY word he says)!  It seems so far away. Waiting everyday for a phone call, and hoping we get to skype once a week... ugh- I need him back! Life is so much better when he is here!

Oh well, I have a little sleeping beauty laying next to me right now and she needs to be put in her bed... time to thank God for all my little blessings...

I'll leave you with a few pics from our quick FL trip!

My lil angels...

Everyone says it. I know every mother is guilty at some point, and says their babies are angels. Well.... Mine truly are. God gave them to me to pull me out of this deep dark hole I occasionally slip into. He knew I would need them long before I ever knew I would even have them. They bring me so much joy, even when I am about to pull my hair out, yes they still make my heart smile.

I dread the day that Gray or Karlynn asks me who Karson is. I have been getting practice with my sweet nephew, Conner. Here lately he has been asking so many questions about him, like: Where he is, why someone hurt him, and if he is ever coming back. God love him, he helps me in more ways than his little brain can even fathom. Sometimes it is so hard trying to tell him why he isn't coming back... and why we can't have another Karson. He is only my nephew and I get choked up, I can't imagine having to explain it to his brother and sister. But I guess I will face that challenge when it arises.

In the meantime, I made them a book online and ordered it... I cannot wait to get it. It is filled with pictures of him and stories of him and I wrote it as if it were a book he wrote and left for his brother and sister... I cried the ENTIRE time I wrote it, but it was almost theraputic because it was preparing me for the day Grayson wants to know. 'On Angel's Wings' is the name of it. And basically it talks about how he will always be with them through out their life and he talks directly to both of them in parts telling Karlynn that he was with God as he was making her into the little lady she is and how he got to meet her before her mommy did. And tells Gray that everytime he falls and gets a bobo, that he (kar) is the one who always helps him up and dusts off his battle scars. Anyways the tittle comes from: "When you fall I will help you up and you can rest on my Angel wings." which is a recurring line in the book.

I am very excited about it!

Hopefully it will be their favorite bedtime story!

I am so thankful for them all 3 of them... and they really are my lil angels!

night <3

Well last night I got to celebrate Kacey's 21st birthday with her! I am pretty sure she loved her gift, because we had a BLAST at the Jake Owen/Keith Urban concert!

We made so many memories that will last forever, and got to catch up on some much needed gossip, which is always fun!

True friends are hard to come by but I know I can always count on her! I am so thankful for her and I hope she continues to have an AWSOME birthday weekend...

I know everyone says that every mommy needs a night or two to themselves, but even as much fun as I had I missed my babies like crazy! I always feel guilty leaving them with someone for me to go enjoy myself, and of course its always hard to fully enjoy yourself bc in the back of my mind, my babies are constantly on my mind! 

Oh well, here are a few pictures from last night.. I dont have many, because I was too busy dancing and singin my lil heart out!

<3



It's EVERYTHING to me!

All day today, I was thinking about what I could blog about tonight... (yes, because I was that excited about starting my blog) But I started racking my brain about something that I would wanna read later on, looking back at this another day that would be a pick me up when spirits are a little low... and I decided that I wanted to say what family means to me!

FAMILY:

What is it really??? It is a way of life for these Martin's. Its a verb not a noun... it's how we face every trial that comes our way. We live and breathe, and we eat and sleep, fight and laugh as a family! I have now more than ever realized what the true meaning of a family is.

May 17, 2010.

I figure if this blog is to remind me one day of my life I better include the main event that made me as strong as I am. May 17, 2010 was the day I lost my baby boy Karson. That day is still so fresh on my mind. I woke up preparing for what I thought would be a hard day for our family, only because we were burrying my husbands grandmother. I woke up earlier than usual to bathe my babies and get them dressed in their Sunday's best. We all 4 slept in a King sized that night, and it was the last time we all slept together. I got Kar out of his yellow monkey pjs and washed the previous day off of him and dressed him in a baby blue sailor jonjon... Not knowing that a few days later I would lay him to rest eternally in that very outfit.

We went to the funeral where he of course had to go to the nursery bc he was too wild to sit through a service... then we went to the graveside where I figured he would be so wild but he was unusually calm and almost seemed to be at peace frolicking around and picking up rocks (or balls). Then we went back to the Martin house to change and go to Mrs Gladys' house to enjoy family time.... thats when it all happened. When my world collapsed at the very instant of the words being spoken to me "Valerie, we have to go... Its Karson"

I thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me... I was just laughing and making jokes with my nutjob of a sister in law, Leigh. How could things have gone wrong so quickly. I didnt have time for questions. We rushed to the ER in Prentiss where my baby lay there helpless. He was already with our Heavenly Father... but this day is one I wish I could erase from my mind but it's there... etched permanently on my brain! 

You may be asking yourself how can this one event relate to this blog topic I have chosen... How can losing such a vital piece of one's family be the soul topic of "family"? Because it took me losing him to realize no breath is promised to us... and every moment we have together is a pure joy and blessing. When all this was happening to my beautiful little family, people were crawling out of the woodwork to help us. Trying everything and anything to help ease the pain for us. 

Family doesnt have to have the same last name. Its someone who is there willingly, not because they have to be. Its someone who will answer at 3am because your heart is breaking and you need someone to just sit and listen to you fall apart again. Family is not turning your back on someone regardless of what they may be going through. Its rising out of the ashes to see the beauty before you. Family is about coming together after falling apart.

Right now my husband is halfway around the world and I know his heart is yearning to be with us. Yet, again this, so bold of a word becomes etched onto my heart again... FAMILY. Its knowing that my husband is so far away but someone just an hour away will spend the entire day with me just so they can ease the pain of my family being ripped apart again. Its my sister coming over to make me laugh til I cry. Its my mom telling me that she loves me EVERY time she hangs up the phone because she never knows when it could be the last time she tells me. Family is NOT kicking someone to the curb bc someone tells you its not cool for them to be around. 

My heart hurts tonight for several reasons and I know this entry was totally scatterbrained but thats how I feel. I miss my husband. I miss my baby. I miss my sister-in-law and her babies... I miss so much. 

I just want to go back to May 16, 2010 when my family was still together!

So... what is family? It's EVERYTHING to me.

goodnight <3

pictures of family.

my.1st.entry

Well, since this is my first entry I will ramble on about my crazy hectic life just so I can get a starting point. I am a mommy first and foremost. My 3 beautiful babies are my world. Karson, Grayson, and Karlynn are what I live for in this crazy world. I am a wife to an amazing man who is currently serving our country. He is overseas being oh.so.brave. and I love him an insane amount and he makes me beyond proud to be his. Three years of marriage and we are still in love, even after all we have been through, and that makes "us" one my greatest accomplishments! 

I have some pretty incredible people who get me through this hard time in my life. My sister is pretty amazing, and I know she is reading this and she's the one who encouraged me to start this "diary". She helps me in so many ways and I am not sure she is aware just how much she helps me just by being the person she is. Kacey is the other key part to getting me through the tough times. She is one of my best friends and I couldn't have asked God to send me a better friend. She loves my babies so much and I know if I called her any time day.or.night. she would be there for me, and thats something not many people have and I am so fortunate to have her and my sister in my life!

I am living at home (Talorsville,MS) at the moment while my hubby is gone saving the world. It has its moments where I wanna pull my hair out, but I am thankful for the help and I know I am lucky to have parents to take us in and help us out. They are truly incredible and I am happy that they treat my babies as if they were their own

Between size 2 diapers and size 4 diapers.... feeding Karlynn bottles every three hours, and begging Grayson to slow down and eat.... entertaining my 16 month old and rocking my 3 month old.... and somehow still taking care of myself, I stay pretty busy. Right now I am exploring the world of running, and I love it, it gives me just a little time to be out in God's beautiful creation and clear my mind. I love taking pictures of my babies so I can document every cute face, funny moment, or milestone that Simon is missing. But for the most part I dont have much time for myself, and thats just fine by me. Even though the majority of the time I have to sit back and count to 10 to catch my breath from the overwhelming events of this life I live, I wouldn't change one thing about it.

myworld.

myangel.

myhero.

all thanks to God!