It's EVERYTHING to me!

All day today, I was thinking about what I could blog about tonight... (yes, because I was that excited about starting my blog) But I started racking my brain about something that I would wanna read later on, looking back at this another day that would be a pick me up when spirits are a little low... and I decided that I wanted to say what family means to me!

FAMILY:

What is it really??? It is a way of life for these Martin's. Its a verb not a noun... it's how we face every trial that comes our way. We live and breathe, and we eat and sleep, fight and laugh as a family! I have now more than ever realized what the true meaning of a family is.

May 17, 2010.

I figure if this blog is to remind me one day of my life I better include the main event that made me as strong as I am. May 17, 2010 was the day I lost my baby boy Karson. That day is still so fresh on my mind. I woke up preparing for what I thought would be a hard day for our family, only because we were burrying my husbands grandmother. I woke up earlier than usual to bathe my babies and get them dressed in their Sunday's best. We all 4 slept in a King sized that night, and it was the last time we all slept together. I got Kar out of his yellow monkey pjs and washed the previous day off of him and dressed him in a baby blue sailor jonjon... Not knowing that a few days later I would lay him to rest eternally in that very outfit.

We went to the funeral where he of course had to go to the nursery bc he was too wild to sit through a service... then we went to the graveside where I figured he would be so wild but he was unusually calm and almost seemed to be at peace frolicking around and picking up rocks (or balls). Then we went back to the Martin house to change and go to Mrs Gladys' house to enjoy family time.... thats when it all happened. When my world collapsed at the very instant of the words being spoken to me "Valerie, we have to go... Its Karson"

I thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me... I was just laughing and making jokes with my nutjob of a sister in law, Leigh. How could things have gone wrong so quickly. I didnt have time for questions. We rushed to the ER in Prentiss where my baby lay there helpless. He was already with our Heavenly Father... but this day is one I wish I could erase from my mind but it's there... etched permanently on my brain! 

You may be asking yourself how can this one event relate to this blog topic I have chosen... How can losing such a vital piece of one's family be the soul topic of "family"? Because it took me losing him to realize no breath is promised to us... and every moment we have together is a pure joy and blessing. When all this was happening to my beautiful little family, people were crawling out of the woodwork to help us. Trying everything and anything to help ease the pain for us. 

Family doesnt have to have the same last name. Its someone who is there willingly, not because they have to be. Its someone who will answer at 3am because your heart is breaking and you need someone to just sit and listen to you fall apart again. Family is not turning your back on someone regardless of what they may be going through. Its rising out of the ashes to see the beauty before you. Family is about coming together after falling apart.

Right now my husband is halfway around the world and I know his heart is yearning to be with us. Yet, again this, so bold of a word becomes etched onto my heart again... FAMILY. Its knowing that my husband is so far away but someone just an hour away will spend the entire day with me just so they can ease the pain of my family being ripped apart again. Its my sister coming over to make me laugh til I cry. Its my mom telling me that she loves me EVERY time she hangs up the phone because she never knows when it could be the last time she tells me. Family is NOT kicking someone to the curb bc someone tells you its not cool for them to be around. 

My heart hurts tonight for several reasons and I know this entry was totally scatterbrained but thats how I feel. I miss my husband. I miss my baby. I miss my sister-in-law and her babies... I miss so much. 

I just want to go back to May 16, 2010 when my family was still together!

So... what is family? It's EVERYTHING to me.

goodnight <3

pictures of family.